--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. A few clowns short of a circus.
2. A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
3. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
4. A few beers short of a six-pack.
5. Dumber than a box of hair.
6. A few peas short of a casserole.
7. Doesn’t have all her Corn Flakes in one box.
8. The wheel’s spinning, but the hamster’s dead.
9. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
10. One taco short of a combination platter.
11. A few feathers short of a whole duck.
12. All foam, no beer.
13. The cheese slid off her cracker.
14. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
15. Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
16. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
17. Couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
18. He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
19. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
20. As smart as bait.
21. Chimney’s clogged.
22. Doesn’t have all his dogs on one leash.
23. Doesn’t know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.
24. Elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor.
25. Forgot to pay her brain bill.
26. Her sewing machine’s out of thread.
27. His antenna doesn’t pick up all the channels.
28. His belt doesn’t go through all the loops.
29. If she had another brain, it would be lonely.
30. Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
31. No grain in the silo.
32. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
33. Receiver is off the hook.
34. Several nuts short of a full pouch.
35. Skylight leaks a little.
36. Slinky’s kinked.
37. Surfing in Nebraska.
38. Too much yardage between the goal posts.
=======================================================================================
Glossary of Politically Correct Terms
EUPHEMISMS: When you don’t care enough to use the very best word. (The latest fad in euphemisms is “politically correct“
language, which is difficult to invent since it is impossible not to offend someone in the world.)
Plagiarism: Previously Owned Prose (as in “this list was plagiarized from a Washington Post column“)
Road Kill: Vehicularly Compressed Maladapted Life Form
Cowardly: Challenge Challenged
Cannibalism: Intra-Species Dining
Vomiting: Unplanned Reexamination of Recent Food Choices
Alcoholic: Anti-Sobriety Activist
Vice President: Post-Coronary Leader of the Free World
Abortion: Near-Life Experience
Rudeness: Tact Avoidance
Assassination: Involuntary Term Limitation
Shoplifter: Cost-of-Living Adjustment Specialist
Dead: Actuarially Mature
Homelessness: Mortgage-Free Living
Corpse: Permanently Static Post-Human Mass
Loser: Second Place
Official Politically Correct Terms for 1991
xerxes@ucscb.ucsc.edu (65017000)
(chuckle)
=======================================================================================
BOH:Politically Correct Terms
* He does not have a beer gut; he develops a Liquid Grain StorageFacility.
* He is not quiet; he is a Conversational Minimalist.
* He does not have a fabulous rear end; he has achieved ButtocksPerfection.
* He is not stupid; he suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.
* He does not get lost all the time; he discovers AlternativeDestinations.
* He is not balding; he is in Follicle Regression.
* You do not buy him a drink; you initiate an Alcohol-For-ConversationExchange.
* He does not fart and belch; he is Gastronomically Expressive.
* His jeans are not too tight; he is Anatomically Under circulated.
* He is not a redneck; he is a Genetically Related American.
* You do not kiss him; you become Facial Conjoined.
* He is not a cradle robber; he prefers Generational DifferentialRelationships.
* He does not get falling down drunk; he becomes AccidentallyHorizontal.
* He does not act like a total ass; he develops a Case Of Rectal Cranial Inversion. * He is not short - he is Anatomically
Compact.
* He does not have a rich daddy; he is a Recipient Of Parental AssetInfusion.
* He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a Vehicular Addiction.
* He does not have a hot body; he is Physically Combustible.
* He is not unsophisticated; he is Socially Malformed.
* He does not eat like a pig; he suffers from Reverse Bulimia.
* He does not hog the blankets; he is Thermally Unappreciative.
* He is not a sex machine; he is Romantically Automated.
* He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has Swine Empathy.
* You do not undress him with your eyes; you have an Introspective Pornographic Moment.
* He is not afraid of commitment; he is Monogamously Challenged. So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the
streets, until she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her
eyes on. She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment for an evening of abandon.
When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone but, by the bedside table was a $20 bill and a note that
read, “With my compliments, take this money and go out and buy a pair of shoes that fit you.“
=======================================================================================
Poli-correct Language!
You wouldn’t want to offend anyone, now would you?!
[9/00] [9/99]
IJMC - All the politically correct terms they forgot to tell you!
Hmm, I think I’ll likely end up a certified past-life regression
hypnotist someday...first one to comment I am already, gets mailbombed...
Other than that, expand your PC vocabulary!
-dave
aesthetically challenged - ugly
amphibian American - frog
aquatically challenged - drowning
biologically challenged - dead
bovine control officers - Dallas Cowboys
Caucasian Culturally-Disadvantaged - white trash
certified astrological consultant - crackpot
certified crystal therapist - crackpot
certified past-life regression hypnotist - crackpot
chronologically gifted - old
client of the correctional system - prisoner
codependent - finger-pointer
constructivist feminist psychotherapy - psychobabble
creatively re-dyed - stained
cyclically challenged - having PMS
differently organized - messy
differently-brained - stupid
economically disadvantaged - welfare bum
economically marginalized - poor
energy-efficient - off
environmentally correct human - dead
equal opportunity employee - bisexual hooker
erectionally challenged - impotent
facially challenged - ugly
factually unencumbered - ignorant
fecally plenary - full of crap
female gender biased - prefers women who shave their legs
financially inept - po’
folically independent - bald
follower of Jimmy Swaggert - lost
genetically discriminating - racist
geological correction - earthquake
government employee - stupid
grammatically challenged - one who has difficulties with grammar or (by
extension) punctuation or spelling
gravitationally challenged - fat
horizontally challenged - thin
horizontally gifted - fat
in denial - unaware that forgetting something obviously proves it happened
in recovery - drunk/junkie
intellectually impaired - stupid
living impaired - dead
maintenance hole - man-hole
male gender biased - prefers men who shave their chests
mechanically challenged - broken down automobile
melanin-impoverished - white
metabolically challenged - dead
microslothically Challenged - Windows user
monetarily challenged - poor
morally (ethically) challenged - a crook
morally handicapped - someone who has no other reason to park in a
handicapped zone
motivationally dispossessed - lazy
musically delayed - tone deaf
nasally disadvantaged - really BIG nose
nasally gifted - runny nose
nasally gifted - large nose
nitpicklike - humor challenged
one who is PC - target practice
ontologically challenged - fictional or mythological
osmotically challenged - Thirsty
other aged - too old/young (dual purpose)
outdoor urban dwellers - homeless
people of height - too tall
person of region - redneck
person of substance - fat
persons living with entropy - dead
persons of large stature - NY Giants
petroleum transfer technician - gas station attendent
racially challenged - butt-white American
residentially flexible - homeless
rhythmically challenged - white boy
romantically challenged - not with somebody at the moment
rustically inclined - redneck
sanitation engineer - garbage man
sex care provider - prostitute
sexually focused chronologically gifted individual - dirty old man
socially challenged - geek, nerd, whatever...
spacially perplexed - drunk
street activity index - crime rate
suffering from a sex addiction (female) - slut
suffering from a sex addiction (male) - stud
target equity group - vocal minority
the absolute root of all evil known in the multidimensional infinity of
reality - white male
uniquely coordinated - clumsy
uniquely fortuned individual on an alternative career path - loser
verbally challenged - mute, dumb
vertically challenged - short
visually challenged - blind
Yet Another E-Mail Sent By The International Junk Mail Clearinghouse (IJMC).
Unless otherwise specified, distribute freely. All questions, comments,
submissions, and requests should be directed to Dave at eatheror@netcom.com
IJMC WebPage - gsusgi2.gsu.edu/~stdmd.../ijmc.html
This is Mac. \\\\|////
He wants to travel the world. ( O O )
Please add him to your .sig and help him. ---oOOo--U--oOOo---
========================================================================================
Politically Correct Terms??
Serial-Killer -- Person with difficult-to-meet needs
Dishonest -- Ethically disoriented
Fat -- Horizontally challenged
Bald -- Follicularly challenged
Pregnant -- Parasitically oppressed
Alive -- Temporarily metabolically able
Dead -- Living impaired
Ignorant -- Knowledge-based nonpossessor
Unattractive -- Cosmetically different
Body Odor -- Nondiscretionary fragrance
========================================================================================
------------------------------------------------------------------
Origination: Joke of the Day Mailing List
Originator: Scott Anderson
Date: Tue, 02 May 1995 21:56:15 -0400
------------------------------------------------------------------
***Political Correct Terms***
Dirty Old Man Sexually focused chronologically gifted individual.
Perverted Sexually dysfunctional.
Panhandler Unaffiliated applicant for private-sector funding.
Serial-Killer Person with difficult-to-meet needs.
Lazy Motivationally deficient.
Fat Horizontally challenged.
Fail Acheive a deficiency.
Dishonest Ethically disoriented.
Bald Follicularly challenged.
Clumsy Uniquely coordinated.
Body Odor Nondiscretionary fragrance.
Alive Temporarily metabolically abled.
Worst Least best.
Wrong Differently logical.
Ugly Cosmetically different.
Unemployed Involuntarily leisured.
Short Vertically challanged.
Dead Living impaired.
Vagrant Nonspecifically destinationed individual.
Spendthrift Negative saver.
Stoned Chemically inconvenienced.
Pregnant Parasitically opressed.
Ignorant Knowledge-based nonpossessor.
Article
New Official Politically Correct Terms for 1997.
You Must Comply
old new
--------------------------------------------------------------------
conservative reactionary
The Establishment White Power Elite
hearing person temporarily aurally abled
sighted person temporarily visually abled
blind visually challenged
mute vocally challenged
dead metabolically different
alive temporarily metabolically abled
ugly aesthetically challenged
rude politically correct (tm)
psychopath socially misaligned
bald follicularly challenged
non-white, non-male oppressed
white melanin impoverished/genetically oppressive
white male oppressor
black african-american
asian asian-american
afro-american african-american
dairy where cows are raped
ranch where cattle are murdered
egg ranch where hens are raped
biology department where animals are tortured and then murdered
to fulfill the sadistic fantasies of white
male scientist lakeys of the imperialistic
drug companies
fishing raping the oceans
farming exploiting mother earth
paper bag processed tree carcass
Many of the labels from the 80’s are now passe. Here is a partial
list of the denotations that are now acceptable (all labels are subject
to change without notice).
old 80’s 90’s
--- ---- ----
deaf hearing impaired aurally challenged
blind sight impaired visually challenged
retarded mentally handicapped mentally challenged
queer gay/homosexual queer [strange but true]
fat big boned alternative body image
[_private/laughsonline_foot.htm]
========================================================================================
More Politically Correct Terms
Unemployed = Involuntarily Leisured
Dirty Old Man = Sexually Focused Chronologically Gifted Individual
Perverted = Sexually Dysfunctional
Panhandler = Unaffiliated Applicant for Private-Sector Funding
Serial-Killer = Person with Difficult-to-Meet Needs
Lazy = Motivationally Deficient
Short = Vertically Challanged
Fail = Achiever of Deficiency
Dishonest = Ethically Disoriented
Bald = Follicularly Challenged
Clumsy = Uniquely Coordinated
Body Odor = Nondiscretionarily Fragranced
Alive = Temporarily Metabolically Abled
Drunk = Spacially Perplexed
Insane People = Comprehensibility Selective OR Selectively Perceptive
Bisexual = Sexually Non-preferential
Girl = Pre-Woman
Fat = Calorifically Enhanced OR Horizontally Challenged
OR Gravitationally Challenged
Airhead = Reality Impaired
Dead = Metabolically Challenged
Poor = Economically Deficient OR Economically Unprepared
Slum = Economic Oppression Zone
Hunter = Animal Assassin
Old People = Gerentologically Advanced
Homeless = Optionally Residential
Hooker = Sexual-Care Provider OR Sex Surrogate
Housewife = Domestic Technician
Handicapped = Differently Abled
Deaf = Visually Oriented
Blind = Photonically Non-receptive
Drug Addict = Chemically Challenged
Ugly = Attractively Impaired
Obnoxious = Charismatically Impeded
Politically Correct “He“ Terms
He is not a: Bad dancer
He is: Overly Caucasian
He does not: Hog the blankets
He is: Thermally unappreciative
He is not: Unsophisticated
He is: Socially malformed
He does not: Eat like a pig
He suffers from: Reverse bulimia
He is not: A sex machine
He is: Romantically automated
He is not a: Male chauvinist pig
He has: Swine empathy
He is not: Quiet
He is a: Conversational minimalist
He does not have a: Beer gut
He develops a: Liquid grain storage facility
You do not: Undress him with your eyes
You have a: Introspective ******graphic moment
He is not: Afraid of commitment
He is: Monogamously challenged
He does not have a: Fabulous rear end
He has achieved: Buttocks perfection
He is not: Stupid
He suffers from: Minimal cranial development
He does not: Get lost all the time
He discovers: Alternative destinations
He is not: Balding
He is in: Follicle regression
You do not: Buy him a drink
You initiate an: Alcohol-For-Conversation exchange
He does not: Fart and belch
He is: Gastronomically expressive
His jeans are not: Too tight
He is: Anatomically under circulated
He is not a: Redneck
He is a: Genetically-related American
You do not: Kiss him
You become: Facially conjoined
He is not a: Cradle robber
He prefers: Generationally differential relationships
He does not get: Falling down drunk
He becomes: Accidentally horizontal
He does not: Act like a total jerk
He develops a: Case of rectal-cranial inversion
He is not: Short
He is: Anatomically compact
He does not have a: Rich daddy
He is a: Recipient of Parental Asset Infusion
He does not: Constantly talk about cars
He has a: Vehicular addiction
He does not have a: Hot body
He is: Physically combustible
Politically Correct “She“ Terms
She does not: Get PMS
She becomes: Hormonally Homicidal
She does not have: A Killer Body
She is: Terminally Attractive
She is not: A Bad Cook
She is: Microwave Compatible
She is not: A Bad Driver
She is: Automotively Challenged
She is not a: Perfect 10
She is: Numerically Superior
She is not: Easy
She is: Horizontally Accessible
She does not: Hate Sports On TV
She is: Athletically Biased
She does not have: Sexy Lips
She is: Collagen Dependent
She does not get: Drunk
She is: Accidentally Over-Served
You do not ask her: To Dance
You request a: Pre-Coital Rhythmic Experience
She is not: A Gossip
She is a: Verbal Terminator
She does not: Work Out Too Much
She is an: Abdominal Overachiever
She does not have: A Great Butt
She is: Gluteus To The Maximus
She is not: Hooked On Soap Operas
She is: Melodramatically Fixated
She is not: Cold Or Frigid
She is: Thermally Incompatible
She does not: Wear Too Much Make-Up
She is: Cometically Oversaturated
She does not have: Great Cleavage (A Great Rack)
Her breasts are: Centrally Located
She will never: Gain Weight
She will become: A Metabolic Underachiever
She is not: A Screamer Or Moaner
She is: Vocally Appreciative
She does not: Shave Her Legs
She experiences: Temporary Stubble Reduction
She does not have: A Hard Body
She is: Anatomically Inflexible
She does not: Sun Bathe
She experiences: Solar Enhancement
Her breast will never: Sag
They will: Lose Their Vertical Hold
She does not: Shop Too Much
She is: Overly Susceptible To Marketing Ploys
She does not: Cut You Off
She becomes: Horizontally Inaccessible
She does not have: Big Hair
She is: Overly Aerosoled
She does not: Snore
She is: Nasally Repetitive
She does not: Get Drunk
She becomes: Verbally Dyslexic
She does not have: Big Breasts
Her: Cups Runneth Over
She is not: Too Skinny
She is: Skeletally Prominent
She Is Not HORNY - She Is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She Is Not A SCREAMER Or MOANER - She Is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She Is Not CONCEITED - She Is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.
She Is Not EASY - She Is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She Is Not A BLEACHED BLONDE - She Is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.
She Does Not GET YOU EXCITED - She Causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT
She Is Not A BAD COOK - She Is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.
She Is Not HALF NAKED - She Is WARDROBE IMPAIRED.
She Does Not Wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She Is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.
She Does Not Want To Be MARRIED - She Wants To Lock You In DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.
She Does Not GAIN WEIGHT - She Is A METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.
She Does Not TEASE Or FLIRT - She Engages In ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She Is Not DUMB - She Is A DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She Is Not KINKY - She Is A NON-INHIBITED SEXUAL COMPANION.
She Is Not TOO SKINNY - She Is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.
She Does Not HAVE A MOUSTACHE - She Is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.
She Does Not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She Is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.
She Has Not BEEN AROUND - She Is A PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She Does Not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She Commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.
She Is Not A SLUT - She Is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She Does Not Have A KILLER BODY - She Is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She Does Not GO SHOPPING - She Is MALL FLUENT.
She Is Not An AIRHEAD - She Is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She Does Not Get DRUNK Or TIPSY - She Gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She Does Not Get FAT Or CHUBBY - She Achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.
She Is Not COLD Or FRIGID - She Is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.
She Does Not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She Has Reached COSMETIC SATURATION.
She Does Not Have BREAST IMPLANTS - She Is GRAVITY RESISTANT.
She Does Not NAG YOU - She Becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
She Is Not LOOSE - She Is MORALLY IMPAIRED.
She Does Not Have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She Is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
She Does Not Have THIN LIPS - She Is COLLAGEN DEPENDENT.
========================================================================================
How to talk about men and still be politically correct
1. He does not have a HOT BODY, he is ANATOMICALLY GIFTED.
2. He is not AFRAID OF COMMITMENT, he is RELATIONSHIP
CHALLENGED.
3. He does not have a NICE BUTT, he is a WELL-ROUNDED
INDIVIDUAL.
4. He will never GO BALD, he will become FOREHEAD ENHANCED.
5. He is not a BEACH BUM, he is a COASTALLY-LOCATED
AMERICAN.
6. He is not wearing a RACING SUIT OR BANANA HAMMOCK(??),
he is SWIMWEAR DEPRIVED.
7. He will never get a BEER BELLY, he will become
ABDOMINALLY EXTENDED.
8. He is not AFRAID TO GET MARRIED, he is AVOIDING DOMESTIC
INCARCERATION.
9. He does not try to SCORE OR PICK YOU UP, he attempts a
HORIZONTAL ENCOUNTER.
10.He does not LOSE HIS HAIR, he will become HAIR IMPAIRED.
11.He does not STUFF SOCKS IN HIS PANTS, he is a BULGELESS
AMERICAN.
12.He does not WEAR TOO MUCH COLOGNE, he commits
FRAGRANCE ABUSE.
13.He does not get EXCITED, he experiences TEMPORARY BLOOD
DISPLACEMENT.
14.He does not LOSE HIS JOB, he becomes INVOLUNTARILY
LEISURED.
15.He is not SHORT, he is VERTICALLY CHALLENGED.
16.He does not have a WASHBOARD STOMACH, he is
ABDOMINALLY DEFINED.
17.He does not SEND YOU FLOWERS, he practices BOTANICAL
BRIBERY.
18.He does not GET AROUND, he is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED
COMPANION.
19.He is not CONCEITED OR COCKY, he is SELF STIMULATED.
20.He is not HANDSOME OR GOOD-LOOKING,he is OPTICALLY
SUPERIOR.
21.He is not a TYPICAL HORNY GUY, he is SEXUALLY MOTIVATED.
22.He is not a GOOD KISSER, he is ORALLY SKILLED.
23.He is not an IMMATURE JERK, he is CHRONOLOGICAL
IMPAIRED.
Your bedroom isn’t cluttered; it’s “passage-restrictive.“
Kids don’t get in trouble anymore. They merely hit “social speed bumps.“
You’re not having a bad hair day; you’re suffering from “rebellious follicle syndrome.“
No one’s tall anymore. They’re “vertically enhanced.“
You’re not shy. You’re “conversationally selective.“
You don’t talk a lot. You’re just “abundantly verbal.“
It’s not called gossip anymore. It’s “transmission of near-factual information.“
The food at the school cafeteria isn’t awful. It’s “digestively challenged.“
Your homework isn’t missing; it’s just having an “out-of-notebook experience.“
You’re not sleeping in class; you’re “rationing consciousness.“
You don’t have smelly gym socks; you have “odor-retentive athletic footwear.“
You weren’t passing notes in class. You were “participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations.“
You’re not being sent to the principal’s office. You’re “going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building.“
========================================================================================
Politically Correct Terms for Cat Owners
My cat does not barf hairballs he is a floor/rug redecorator
My cat does not break things she helps gravity do its job
My cat does not fear dogs they are merely sprint practice tools
My cat does not gobble she eats with alacrity
My cat does not scratch he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator
My cat does not yowl he is singing off-key
My cat is not a “shedding machine“ she is a hair relocation stylist
My cat is not a “treat-seeking missile“ she enjoys the proximity of food
My cat is not a bed hog he is a mattress appreciator
My cat is not a chatterbox she is advising me on what to do next
My cat is not a dope addict she is catnip appreciative
My cat is not a lap fungus he is bed selective
My cat is not a pest she is attention deprived
My cat is not a ruthless hunter she is a wildlife control expert
My cat is not evil she is badness enhanced
My cat is not fat he is mass enhanced
My cat is not hydrophobic she has an inability to appreciate moisture
My cat is not lazy he is motivationally challenged
My cat is not underfoot she is leading me to my next destination
(the food dish!)
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